ADHD and everyday anxieties
When everything is my circus and they are all my monkeys
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There is a bird outside near the fence. It sounds like a screeching banshee. Or at least what I imagine a banshee would sound like. I am hungry and need breakfast but I don’t know what I am in the mood for. I have this quite often. My stomach will be gurgling, I will be dizzy from low blood sugar, very low on energy and grumpy as fuck, but I won’t eat. It can last for days. It causes me to wander around supermarket isles aimlessly. It will make me get up and leave a restaurant when there is nothing on the menu I fancy. Or if the dish I desire is not available.
I am surrounded by licking, sucking, scratching, squealing, and snoring sounds. Four dogs. Two cats. The yard is a minefield of poops that I need to clear up and dump in the forest. It can’t go on the composting pile. There are dead creatures scattered around, like the aftermath of a Mexican standoff. Birds, mice, and moles, none make it out alive.
I woke up around four. This seems to be new “natural” rhythm. Even though it’s forced on me by the sounds. I need to listen to music more. Drown out the noise. There is a ticking sound against the window at the back, on the side of the stream. It’s another bird. No baby, trust me. You don’t want to come in. It’s not safe here.
My new laptop charger that I ordered online never arrived so I have to do everything on my phone. It annoys me, typing with two thumbs on my little screen I can’t keep up with the speed of my thoughts.
Things that break. Things that don’t work. Things that are stuck and won’t move. People who do things. Or say things.
Things that break. Things that don’t work. Things that are stuck and won’t move. People who do things. Or say things. That rubs me the wrong way. It all triggers the same feeling of righteous indignance mixed with cringeworthy impatience.
After finally getting new tires for my car and having them fitted (the sneaky bastard at the garage gave me my 4 old tires back, but two of them turned out not to be mine) I drove to town. I got gas and wanted to go food shopping. There were three unoccupied parking spots available at the supermarket. I left anyway. Too crowded.
What happened? Two decades ago I bounced around a city of millions. These days if there are more than ten people in a space I won’t even enter. Which is going to make the next family reunion a bit of a challenge (my mum is 1 of 11).
People scare me. I don’t like them. Maybe I don’t like them because they scare me. Or the other way around. Trust. Ehmmm. I guess I don’t trust them. I go from feeling very optimistic about human nature, to the exact opposite of the spectrum where I believe the entire human race should cease to exist. Give the planet a little breather.
The last time I thought this was yesterday afternoon. I had taken 10 mg of melatonin three nights in a row which proved to be a bit too much. I was awake from 4 to 8 in the morning and fell back asleep. The second time I woke up it had just gone past 13:00. I eased myself slowly into what remained of my day and didn’t make it into the woods until almost 17:00. Halfway down my usual trail I heard a chainsaw.
I know we all need to keep warm this winter. But hearing trees being cut. The sound when they crack and fall to the ground. It’s infuriating. It makes me livid. It hurts.
I know we all need to keep warm this winter. But hearing trees being cut. The sound when they crack and fall to the ground. It’s infuriating. It makes me livid. It hurts.
Anger is a secondary emotion. It’s a theory I came up with when I was around 15. Not the best time in my life for various reasons beyond my control. I was angry a lot. I learned that anger masks other emotions. Pain. Abandonment. Disappointment. Fear.
Does it hurt to hear trees being cut? Or am I disappointed in the people around me? People take and take and take whatever they need, regardless of the consequences. Am I scared we will run out of trees and I will be surrounded by some dried-up tundra instead of this lush forest? I don’t know. All I know is that I wanted to smack whoever was cutting down those trees. Lack of control.
Lolli lies on my chest. She is finally still so I have my hands free to type. This is a makeup cuddle. Earlier I caught her in the pan of leftover dinner, chewing on a big pork rib. I scolded her. She pretends to feel guilty but I know she will do it again. This cat is slowly becoming the main organizing principle in my life. I need to Lolli-proof everything.
One thousand kisses
Coming your way
One thousand kisses
Starting today
One thousand kisses maybe more
Because you are the cat that I adore
It’s a song I wrote for her and her brother Api when they were small. I now only have Lolli left to sing it to. So I sing it, as a reward for bad behaviour.
The flowers from my full moon celebration are still on the table. Surrounding a bowl of spring water with my amethyst in it. I took the harvest symbolically and metaphorically this time. I haven’t started my garden yet and am not foraging. So I didn’t harvest.
I don’t count the apples. I gave them all to my neighbours to be ground up and fed to the pigs.
I have made a to-do list for today. But I think I will just have a banana with my third coffee and watch some Netflix. Compared to yesterday there is a lot of day left still (it’s only 08:48).
A mouse has gone into the plastic bin of dog food. I forgot to put the lid on it last night. I drag it outside. Who knows. The mouse may make it.