BOUNDARIES!!!!

(And Why They Matter Just as Much as Therapy)

I yell “BOUNDARIES!!!!” probably just as often as I yell “THERAPY!!!!!” I hold firm in my stance that we could all benefit from a bit more of both. Life is absurd, the world is weird, but we can do something with it. We need healthy boundaries to breathe and be ourselves. Yet almost all human beings I know are conditioned otherwise.

I used to think boundaries meant distance. Then I learned that they are an act of self-love. They are about us, our needs, how we want to be treated. Our boundaries are how others learn to respect us, how to love us, and how to earn—and keep—our trust. That does not create distance. It leads to genuine connection.

I grew up without any boundaries. I had no privacy, my body was violated, I was bullied. My needs came last, if they counted at all. No boundaries was the wisdom with which I survived as a child. No boundaries for a prolonged period also means in ways, in parts, you stop existing.

Then I hit my class mates. Bruises, nosebleeds and a busted knee were the result. It ended the bullying. I went round everyone'‘s house later that day to apologise.

Then I told my father: Hurt me one more time and I will kill you. It ended the abuse. I never apologised. Instead I took him to court two decades later.

Looking back it is very telling that when I finally found a boundary, I felt aggression was the only way to affirm it. I have come a long way since then.

Boundaries & Self-Love

“It’s impossible to please everyone. The question is whether you’re disappointing the right people.”

—Adam Grant

Ehhhmmmm. No. I have very different questions.

Boundaries are meant to honour you. They are about you.

That’s why when I recently read that boundaries are about “choosing who you disappoint,” I felt instant resistance. “NOT TRUE,” I yelled. (I have become somewhat of a yelly person of late.)

I agree that boundaries come with “our willingness to let others down.” We are all very disappointed with each other all the time, and that is totally okay. This may require a bit of expectation management too, but priority here are those tricky boundaries. And when it comes to mine, I am willing to let everyone down.

I talked it over with a friend. She initially disagreed with me:

“Noooohhhh, I don’t want to disappoint anyone I care about, ever.”

That is going to wear you out, I thought, so I countered:

“People I love can have expectations from me that I cannot or will not meet. Staying true to what I can and want to do means letting them down. Whether they readily accept it or will have to process a sense of disappointment is beyond my control. I can’t dictate how others are allowed to feel about my boundaries. But their response will not make my boundaries move.”

Disappointment Is Inevitable—And That’s Okay

"It's impossible to please everyone." And that is why it was never your job to begin with.

This we should all be raised with. Ideally, we are taught from an early age that it is not our job to please others. We also don’t need to go out of our way to offend, neglect, or dismiss others, their concerns, and their needs. But in essence, it should be made abundantly clear that everyone in your life will want something else from you, and you are under no obligation to be or provide all of that. Because that is where burnout, depletion, and depression come from. It is exhausting trying to meet everyone’s expectations.

Also, because all expectations are projected by others and say something about them. It says nothing about you. Not meeting their expectations does not make you a lesser person. It does not mean you don’t care. It means that you know yourself.

The statement the way Adam Grant phrased it, or how I approach it, may feel a bit overly simplistic. It can sound dismissive of the deeper emotional struggle that lies behind disappointing others. When you value connection and have been hurt by betrayal or abandonment in the past, this may feel ambiguous. Some of us have been taught that we need to earn affection. People pleasing and healthy boundaries aren’t each other’s best companions. It is either or. Choose boundaries. You can still please and actively be attentive to the needs of others, within your own boundaries. Anyone who expects, or insists, repeatedly that you cross them should be viewed with some suspicion. It is a call for closer inspection of the dynamics fo your relationship.

Having your boundaries respected is where true connection lies.

It goes both ways: Others have boundaries too. It means we can’t simply assume that everything we think is okay, someone else is automatically comfortable with too. The way you respond to theirs is also an invitation to self-reflection. Are you hurt and disappointed? Do you, and be honest, feel that if the other loved you enough they would do “anything” for you? Are you taking their refusal to meet your needs, and cross their own boundary to do so, as a reflection of your value?

Chances are that, the more respectful I am of my own boundaries, the more considerate I will be to yours.

Every Person Is the Right Person to Disappoint

"Disappointing the right people" to me, implies a transactional mindset. My relationships and boundaries are far more nuanced than just deciding who "deserves" my disappointment.

I don’t callously scathe over the idea of causing pain to others, even if I feel it’s necessary to hold a line for my own well-being. I value integrity and don’t want to unintentionally harm someone. But my boundaries are mine. They are about me and what I need to be me.

My boundaries are not cold or harsh. Not the way they suddenly seemed when I as a ten year old child, or a fifteen year old teenager. They are firm, because they affirm my love for myself. I value boundaries as a means of self-care and protection. Cancer came with an entire new set of boundaries, that required learning and adjusting for me and everyone around me. Letting others down became a daily occurrence. One I eventually became quite comfortable with. Honouring my boundaries became part of my healing. It unburdened me in a way. It helped me better understand what is mine and what is yours, and how to not get those two endlessly muddled up.

The idea of “letting people down” could carry a heavier emotional weight.

It might feel like it lacks the compassion or acknowledgment of how difficult boundary-setting can be for everyone involved.

When I am not able to meet someone’s need or request, because my own body and well being have to come first, I can feel so profoundly sad. I have spent months on bed rest on and off throughout the last 13 years. But wishing I was stronger or more able isn’t going to miraculously render me capable. The boundaries stay, even when they make me feel small or confined. There is a challenge in seeing my boundaries as loving and self-caring, instead of seeing them as limitations, restrictions. I had to untie my self-worth from what I can do for others and shift it to who I am. When literally all I can do is breathe and be, I still am of value.

Disappointment doesn’t depend on who is around me and what they do or don’t do or receive or don’t receive from me. It’s not relative, it is not circumstantial, it is me. Looking at who it disappoints and then deciding where your boundaries lie, this is still giving your power away.

Besides, my relationships aren’t a matter of checks and balances anyway. You can always ask, always tell me what you need. If I can be there for you, help you are fulfil your needs, then great. But I won’t always be available, or able, or even willing. And “worse”: I will also not owe you an explanation.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned is: Sometimes, NO. Is a full sentence.

And instead of honouring your own boundaries autonomously, it still depends on who the other is. It also puts others in a hierarchy of less and more deserving.

Boundaries are fundamentally about self-honouring first. They exist in alignment with ourselves, our needs and our values, and our consideration of others.

Boundaries Are About Me, Not Others

I see boundaries as an expression of self-respect, not as a response to others' needs or a reflection of their worthiness. Anything that still ties boundaries to external dynamics undermines the autonomy and self-sovereignty that true boundaries represent for me.

• Disappointment Doesn’t Depend on Others: I take disappointing others and being disappointed as a given, a fact of life. It can happen that people’s boundaries don’t gel, or that they change over time and relationships can’t adjust. That is okay too.

• Still Giving Your Power Away: In the kindest possible way: Your boundaries have fuck all to do with the other. Nothing. It is less about deciding who deserves to feel let down and more about honouring yourself unconditionally.

Boundaries Within Ourselves

Focusing solely on external relationships shifts the locus of control outward, whereas boundaries with ourselves shift it inward. This nuance is necessary to me. It reinforces my overarching belief that boundaries should honour autonomy, not hierarchy.

While the original statement that triggered this ramble emphasises managing relationships by “disappointing the right people,” it overlooks a critical dimension of healthy boundaries: The boundaries we set with ourselves.

These internal boundaries shape how we relate to our needs, values, and emotions, ultimately determining the integrity of the boundaries we set with others.

Focusing exclusively on others’ disappointment creates a blind spot: the disappointment we feel when we abandon ourselves. Strong boundaries with ourselves help us stay true to our needs and values, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Boundaries Evolve As We Grow

I had a very stumbling start in life when it comes to boundaries. It took decades to discover them. And then I had to learn how to inform others. I now instantly know where a boundary is. My body will tell me, before my cognitive critic has time to interfere by second guessing. I can now hold firm, without shame or guilt.

Firm isn’t rigid. Boundaries can and should evolve as you grow and your circumstances change. A boundary that was once vital for self-protection or self-care may no longer be necessary. Once you’ve healed, gained more self-awareness, or entered a new phase of life they change. You evolve and so do your boundaries.

For example:

• Healing from Trauma: You might set a boundary to avoid certain situations, people, or topics to protect your mental and emotional well-being. Over time, as you heal, that boundary may soften or even dissolve because it’s no longer serving the same protective function.

• Building Self-Confidence: A boundary like saying “no” to social events to focus on yourself might shift as you feel stronger and more energised to re-engage with others.

The flexibility here doesn’t mean boundaries aren’t firm in the moment—they’re always grounded in what serves your well-being. It just means you’re not locked into boundaries that no longer align with your current reality.

The key is to regularly check in with yourself, by asking:

• Does this boundary still serve me?

• Is it protecting me or holding me back now?

• Am I honouring my growth by evaluating it—or clinging to it (fear or habit)?

Changing a boundary isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom. It shows you’re attuned to your needs and willing to evolve as your circumstances and self-awareness grow.

Boundaries Anchor Autonomy

When we rely on others’ reactions (e.g., deciding who is “right” to disappoint), we unintentionally externalise control over our boundaries. True empowerment begins with setting boundaries within ourselves—prioritising self-care, honouring our limits, and living in alignment with our values, regardless of external feedback.

Take care of yourself first.

PS I think this little boundary babble leads the way to an exploration of self sacrifice and martyrdom. I am also thinking somatically: Our body’s boundaries and how we get over burdened + the way our body’s responses help us literally feel our boundaries (yet we keep second guessing or ignoring those…) Thoughts anyone?

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