Around three in the morning I wake up. Acid reflux even though I had a very light dinner (tomato salad with sardines and black olives). I prop myself up best I can. I roll up a sleeping bag and stuff it into a pillow case. The two memory foam supports I bought for the drive here are now not tilting my hips or hugging my spine. One is in the nape of my neck. The other I hug so my right shoulder doesn’t droop.
The past few days my emotions have gone from wobbly to overwhelming anxiety to nothing at all. Driving the daisies to the hair dressers I pretend to be engaged. When we stop at a relatives house I rely on my senses to not vanish. While they chat away all lovely and freshly coiffed I play with the black kitten and wander around the garden. I literally still do smell the roses.
My own pets will always move me. The way Jesse bounces as if her legs are tiny springs that jolt her up in the air when I return from running errands. Puk’s slow and lazy stretches whenever she crawls out from under the table - her favourite new shadow place.
I am on episode 5 of the City Is Hours. After binge watching all seasons of Hart of Dixie (feeling very ambiguous now about that sort of entertainment even though it reminded me of the Gilmore Girls). I am watching too much pulp, too much crime.
I don’t remember a thing I read this week. Not in posts or notes (I have noticed that the more I engage with notes the less I write so that’s not good) not in paper books.
My morning routine needs re-establishing. It went well for a month but now ACIM and journaling get pushed into the afternoon. I miss most of the daily Findhorn meditations. When I do half the time I keep the session open but my camera and mike closed, and do things while I am supposed to be meditating…
I am so bored of the logistics of bags and boxes. The burglary also bothers me more than I want to make space for. I am so angry.
I feel quite fucked off in general. Not the type of anger that’s primary (or rather primal). It’s when anger comes as a secondary emotions, layered on top of something else that’s a little too tender to touch. I am hurt, sad, disappointed.
I feel low in general. Matt. My face always tells me. I have that same vacant stare I had last year when I left here.
There is no balance between processing and down time and distraction. Everything just feels off. I don’t want to be here. I wish I could be air lifted out of here with the pets.
What does it mean when your mind keeps going blank when the hypnotherapist says “now pick a happy memory”, when you want to day dream yourself out of a panic but all you see is nothing. When whatever type of image is required for envisioning, power manifesting or whatever is supposed to keep me moving forward. Rise above your circumstances. I want to sink into them and vanish.
"Rise above your circumstances. I want to sink into them and vanish."
......ღ
Yesterday someone told me something, or rather, it was my dear beloved Hannah…
She commented on a story I had posted on Instagram and said…
"You're too good for this world"… and you are the same for me, Lee.
I don’t mean to boast, nor do I claim to be an angel, and I don’t pretend to always be okay. Sometimes I face intense pressures that can lead me to despair, and sometimes I even think about suicide… but I quickly save myself and escape from these thoughts.
First: I remember Allah, who is everywhere for me, and His eye never leaves me. I recall His words that suicide and killing oneself are forbidden and among the greatest sins… and also, what would I gain from it!!
Second: I escape into things I love, even if sometimes I feel bored of them, but I repeat them over and over, believing that there is always a way, something, even if small and fleeting.
Sometimes I feel hopeless and frustrated, thinking nothing can fix my heart or my life… until I reach a hysterical episode of crying.. I cry and feel relieved; tears help me a little.
After that, I find myself dancing like crazy to pop music with children.. Children are wonderful… they match your energy and dance crazily like you when they see you hahaha…
I dance and sing in a terrible voice… I feel happy, as if I am the queen of this world… and the problem is I scream and express my feelings to those around me…
Mama, I am so happy, Awwwiii!
Hassan, ooh I’m flying with joy!
I know this may seem strange, and sometimes I wonder:
Oh wow am I crazy?!!
But I am certain that Allah stands by me in my worst states, making me feel this happiness.
Third: Sometimes I turn to a friend, even though I prefer not to… I don’t like complaining, and I don’t like leaving negative energy in others
But if it comes down to it… I turn to one of my friends abroad.. I don’t want to search for a friend here, despite having many, because we all suffer, and you can’t even talk about your sadness. Sometimes I compare myself to the misfortunes of others, and it eases me… and I say to myself, who am I compared to this… I’m not even allowed to talk.
My friends abroad are capable, they listen to me and do what they can to support me. The truth is that just listening is enough for me, and this is very good.
After that, I turn to my diary, writing down almost everything I have gone through… and this is also helpful.
I’ve talked a lot, lol…
But I want you to know that each of us carries a flower inside that grows without noticing it, no matter how different our circumstances and places are.
We go through tough times, we hate life, and sometimes we hate ourselves… but these are just fleeting feelings. They do not last…
All of this results from overthinking and pressure. It’s necessary to feel sadness and frustration sometimes… but all of this will eventually end and fade, and we will remain.
We all share this experience, my friend.
Just take care of yourself and make her happy as much as possible. Seek anything that benefits your soul, and never stop writing, no matter what.