Fixer Upper
Available for Adoption...
My “home” in Zalanpatak - Transylvania in desparate need of Fixing Up
‘Do you think binge watching crap tv is a sign of depression?’ I asked my friend. I have been sending her my TV commentary all week as I ploughed my way through three seasons of Fixer Upper (and something about naked people on an island dating but I forgot what it’s called and it eventually weirded me out too much). While watching it I simultaneously look on instagram and TikTok. My monkeys love multiple devices at once.
My feeds are rife with single women going off grid and doing everything themselves from building a foundation for a container home and “saving” 60.000 dollars to installing their own solar panels. It’s supposed to be inspirational. But day by day it’s been wearing me down. ‘I don’t know.’ My friend replied. ‘But it does sound as if you’re not particularly motivated.’
Go no dig woman! Is what I learn on TikTok. Then I do a deep dive into the pros and cons of using cardboard in the garden and then realize I maybe can’t use the cardboard I saved from moving house after all because of forever chemicals. Bloody hell. I need an autumn prep plan so I am off to a flying start next season.
If I am still here by then. I still haven’t made my mind up about the whole thing. I keep having this nagging feeling that I can’t quite live the life I want here. It’s stunning. But it’s not enough. It’s not complete. I constantly feel as if something’s missing. And I still don’t feel at home.
I am not motivated. My to do list is too long that I am stuck in overwhelm. I need help but there is none. My neighbour Margit will assist with the wood splitting and stacking again this summer but as hers are the only helping hands available I don’t want to over ask. I occasionally have more philosophical moments where I accept there is only so much I can do so only so much will get done. I will just have to prioritize. From an impatient pragmatic point of view it sucks.
My neighbour Margit is a firm believer that one is better of alone.
I have been thinking I may need a man. A man who likes to build. Cut wood. Cuddle pets. Cuddle me. Help with the heavily lifting. Who is creative and practical. Who knows how to do a bit of plumbing. Someone joked last year that I should use tinder and bumble as a means of recruiting “volunteers” for my renovation. But I felt awkward taking advantage like that. If I didn’t, I doubt there would be men here eager to get cracking. My neighbour Margit is a firm believer that one is better of alone.
Fixer Upper showcases the renovation work of Jo and Chip Gaines. They seem to have the type of relationship I would love to have but is rare to find. Respectful, loving, and utterly daft. And they work together. Maybe the key is that they each have their own domain. Chip does construction and Jo design but they each know enough about both that they can really take things to the next level, together.
If I am honest I have never factored a man into the equation of my life. Living in the middle of nowhere sleeping with my pets kind of testifies to that in itself. I don’t know how much I am willing to compromise on lifestyle. I would have to find one who doesn’t mind dog hair in the bed and a woman in track pants permanently covered in mud. I can bake apple pie though (my brother always said that my baking skills are the only thing that would convince a man to marry me as I am otherwise unmanageable). Man will have to buy the oven though as it’s currently not in my budget.
I can bake apple pie though (my brother always said that my baking skills are the only thing that would convince a man to marry me as I am otherwise unmanageable). Man will have to buy the oven though as it’s currently not in my budget.
I don’t know why I brought up Tailor Swift yesterday while going to the market with a friend. One of the best selling artists on the planet I believe and yet I don’t know a single one of her songs. I take pride in this. I do know that her boyfriend is a bit of a twat. I am not proud of this knowledge. He said something stupid about the role of women. While America is slowly but steadily sinking into the abyss, on a conservative Christian backslide into the 1950ies (with a hint of tribal cavemen) he is definitely on trend. Luckily his outlook is not appreciated by everyone.
I had a conversation with an uncle when I was about thirteen. My uncle and aunt had three children and a very traditional relationship. My aunt was the homemaker and my uncle the provider. I was more interested in the work part of my future than the home part (even though I am a total nester). My uncle explained that this didn’t mean they weren’t equal. In my uncles eyes their contributions were genuinely equally important and essential for having a happy family. When I put up the idea of role reversal he just looked stunned. Chip and Jo both work and both take on a very nurturing role in their family life.
My apple pie baking jokester brother is actually one of the few men who I have ever heard challenge the automatic assumption that when one parent stays at home to look after the kids it automatically has to be the woman (I now wonder what the current gender debate will do to contribute to parenting and provider roles). ‘If I have kids I want to do all the things. The cooking, the playing, all of it. I want my fair share of playground time and not just squeezed in after a full time job.’
Both my parents worked but I didn’t feel they were absent. My mother’s work was very flexible and we would drop in after school and hang out with my mother’s colleagues, most of whom were also family friends. I never felt that because my mother worked I didn’t have sufficient access to her. I don’t know how she feels about those years. Was it too much? Taking care of a family and working. It must have been a lot. It’s what I see with friends and read in magazines. Modern life of having both parents work (life is unaffordable without a double income) has doubled the burden for women more so than it has for men. Did we get screwed by what we thought was equality?
‘I don’t know how people with kids do it’ my friend said recently. I don’t either. I genuinely don’t, especially not when single parents are concerned. In my late twenties and early thirties all the fiends I had who had kids were not in a committed relationship anymore with the children’s fathers. It had a profound impact on how I viewed the possibilities of having children. I voted against it. I felt that unless I was wiling and able to do it on my own I shouldn’t do it. And I wasn’t. Chip and Jo have five kids!
In a week’s time two of the Magic Four are off to the Netherlands to go live with their humans (I had a very snotty cry this morning about the pending goodbye during the group huddle cuddle). Bence and Boru are in great hands. I am still looking to have Bark adopted, but so far no luck. I wish it went more smoothly because now I feel I am promoting and pushing a puppy who is so awesome people should be lining up and falling over themselves to have her. I said to my cousin and his wife -who are adopting Bence- that if I had a partner I wouldn’t give Baby Bark up.
Baby Bark looking for a new human…
But on my own I am falling short. I know people who have ten plus dogs and can manage but I feel I can’t give them enough interaction and challenge to fully give them all they deserve. My cousins wife suggested I turn it around: instead of putting bark op for adoption put yourself…
I wrote a quick post about on Facebook (I hate Facebook but I need to draw as much attention to baby Bark as possible to make sure her human finds her). Another Dutch expat in Romania contacted me. He sent me a message saying: I saw your post and think you’re really funny.
Then I saw a man with scary eyes and very little facial expression tell an emotionally distraught Drew Barrymore that we don’t need romantic love, we just need love. Ehmmm.
I am pondering all this while reaching season four of Fixer Upper, and looking forward to Fixer Upper the castle, in bed with dog, cat and coffee. A friend says: ‘Stop looking for a home. A fish doesn’t go look for water.’ That one I need to sit with for a while. Maybe it applies to men too.
She literally says: We are single because this is our safe space, or default setting.
According to another lady who just popped up on TikTok I don’t need a man anyway and most women don’t. She literally says: We are single because this is our safe space, or default setting.
Being alone is the most nurturing space we can give ourselves. Because women don’t get as much out of relationships as men do. Auch. She would get on like a house on fire with my neighbour Margit though…