Out of order

Heart broken and bereft

Three Sundays in a row I have failed to serve you brunch. From leaky roofs and rickety laptops, sleepless nights and lack of funds, I felt I was already being challenged above and beyond.

The universe had more in store. After already not being able to save Muki’s brothers and sister, losing my lovely siblings Api and Lolli, and burying Mami now Muki has also been taken from me.

It started with vomiting, then he lost the use of his hind legs. Saturday was spent terrorizing every vet in the vicinity to save him. After various injections and hours of sleep he bounced back a little. It was all false hope. In the evening he developed what looked like seizures, his head and legs twitching uncontrollably. On Sunday morning it became clear there was nothing more I could do for my beautiful boy. I had to let him go. I don’t know where to go from here.

I have my ladies to consider. Stella, Choccy and Puk. Bark and Boru are still counting on me to find them homes with wonderful humans. If not for that the temptation to crawl into the woods to never resurface would be a hard one to resist.

Muki and the babes

Muki protected all of us. He helped me raise the Magic Four. He taught them to be gentle with puss Puk. He felt my panic attacks coming on before I did and would not leave my side. He woke me up from my nightmares.

This generous big hearted beast has left a crater in all our lives. Especially Banhi suffers from the loss of her best friend. Who she slept with, big butt to little butt along the garden fence. Who would challenge her to play fight and would always let her win.

Under similar circumstances I have always turned to writing. Journalling to just let it all out, fiction to distract myself. Right now I only draw a blank. I talk to Muki as if he was still here. I talk to him, knowing he is gone.

When I buried him I said “I love you forever” with every scoop of earth I threw to cover his body. Once it was done I broke down with “you deserved so much more than this”.

I deserved more than this. We all deserved to have Muki for many more years to come.

Why that was not meant to be I will likely never understand.