Sunday Brunch
A Mixed Bag Of The Mundane And The Magic!
In 2014 I think, I made a simple video. I sat down on a giant rock, part of the ancient burial ground close to my house at the time. It was my sanctuary. I would lie down on the stone and stare at the sky. I would check the brightness of my eyes. Am I healthy? The stones, carried there over 4000 years ago by creeping ice, helped me understand, and let go of, time.
Instead of finding the video (I know I saved a copy somewhere before deleting the youtube account where I shared it), I stumbled upon a document with random nots. The first three paragraphs are the quotes by Seneca I shared in this week’s Snippet.
I am nowhere near as stoic as I want to be.
Look into my eyes now and you will see that I am not. I am not healthy physically, emotionally, or spiritually. I am working on it though.
My healing practice is very personal, private, intimate. Whenever I find a lecture, podcast, article or guided meditation that resonates, I will share it only with people closest to me.
I don’t know if I don’t share it because by doing so it may lose its power. Or if I am hesitant because I don’t want to be seen as peddling some quackery cancer cure. I feel guarded, cautious, careful, and most of all respectful to the fragility of life. In spite of my beliefs, I am fully aware that having a 7 by 11 cm inoperable area of “irregular cells” is no joke. In this week’s journal I share an update of current cancer events and how I feel about it.
SHARE AND SUPPORT
Due to my current health situation I am not working. I am writing. I need your support so I can pay for my supplements and treatments. No pathology (read my journal for more information on that) means no conventional treatment is possible. You can help me by:
Sharing my Substack stories: You can do this through email, social media or by talking about them. I need to reach more people beyond my inner circle.
Share your thoughts: Reach out when something I wrote resonates. Or offer me topics to explore. Write comments, or send me a private message.
Support my Newsletter: By becoming a paid member and invite others to do the same.
Support me on Ko-Fi: Here you can buy creatives like me a coffee to help reach our funding goals. If you have any experience in Ko-Fi or GoFundMe, I am open to suggestions.
Future Reference
I haven’t listed future references in a while. Instead I started incorporating it into all the threads. I am now reaching back to this format to offer myself much needed structure. Being in limbo with my health, the monkey orchestra in my brain is beyond my control.
FILMS & BOOKS
On the cinema wish list are Substance (yes in spite of bad reviews), Lee, and Baby Girl. What they have in common is “womanhood” I guess.
NPO plus, Netflix and Prime are taking a backseat to Gaia now. I rewatched Heal, and the Last Shaman, and many more great documentaries. Even though LulaRich and the ridiculous Luxe Listings Toronto nonsense really were worth watching ;-). LulaRich, about the pyramid scheme dressed up in looney leggings, is where I got the title for this week’s journal from: When everything is possible, then nothing is real. Toronto gave me: “Continue in good health and good fortune in all your endeavours.” It reminds me of the Transylvanian habit of wishing someone “may it benefit your health”.
Open on EverAnd and Scribd are:
Crochet Every Way Stitch Dictionary: I am easing myself back into crochet with a rainbow hat. Next step will be a pillow or top. Then I will crochet a pair of trousers. Put “crochet” in the search box of websites like Moda Operandi or Farfetch for inspiration. (Katia will let you download 3 patterns for free when you sign up for the newsletter).
8 hour binaural beats: 528Hz and 432 Hz are among the favourite frequencies for meditation, sleep, healing and creative awakening.
Joe Dispenza You are the Placebo: I basically listen to the audio version on repeat.
Fredik Backman Anxious People: I follow him on insta and loved the film version of Otto, but this is the first of his books I am reading.
TOPICS TO TACKLE:
There are a few parked themes I want to start working on. I also invite you to share your thoughts! Let me know what resonates with you from these topics:
Beyond Forgiveness: Thank You Forgiven I Love You
Forgiveness and gratitude are the two most mentioned parts of personal healing journeys. Last July I set out on a philosophical exploration of forgiveness, based on a Snippet I shared last year. What if guilt, repentance, forgiveness aren’t real but an illusionary prison where keep each other, and ourselves, trapped?
Always A Woman To Me: a reflection on gender and why I crave a metamorphosis
Ever since I have been diagnosed with cancer again, I am feeling “too masculine”. Maybe it is because I feel like I need to protect myself or assume some sort of warrior pose. Or it is due to wearing too many outdoor clothes. I crave pampering, I want to buy new make up, I want floaty, flower dresses and I am looking online at crochet and knitting inspiration for frilly cardigans.
How Humbling: Why Do Life Threatening Events Feel Humbling?
Before I fell into the rabbit hole of the current cancer recurrence I had a little rant about the way the Princess of Wales presented her story in an overly curated video. Hearing her say the words “humbling experience”, sadly did not invite any admiration or appreciation. I just got annoyed. Every time I hear the word “humbling” since, it triggers me. Why does cancer feel humbling? Does that only apply when it can be met with survival? A humbling gratitude for not dying? And why do we need humbling in the first place?
I Don’t Live Here: How I Turned Every Potential Home Into Liminal Space
When I am in NL I stay with my parents. I haven’t had a proper home in the past 7 years. I don’t know if the Murphy’s law that applies to my lack of belonging, is a result of commitment phobia or the underlying false belief that I simply don’t belong anywhere. Maybe by not putting down any roots, I avoid having to deal with why I don’t belong. When I always chose a situation where I am the foreigner, stranger, outsider, I don’t have to question why I don’t belong. Brene Brown offers: “First and foremost we have to belong to ourselves”.
To create this inner belonging, I yearn for the outer belonging in the shape of a space of my own. I dream of a mobile home. It can be a camper van, a tiny house on wheels. In the hopes of the wheels eventually guiding me home.