The Way I Live

And How It Feels Right Now

This week has been a disaster in terms of honouring my writing commitment on Substack. I am still on track with my novel, but stagnated in my short stories and my laptop is getting audibly tired of all the opened tabs and documents full of half read research and half written essays and columns.

I thought to write up this week’s journal completely devoted to the life with my pets, then dedicate next week to my job hunting adventures, the week after I would zoom in on my TV-watching habits (again) and last on the list was highlighting the somewhat unusual way I live. I will now do this in reverse. Which I think will also mean that I am going to shuffle essay and column subjects for this week. I will spend today in bed writing (and occasionally popping out to play with the puppies – more on whom next week).

It is Saturday morning and I have just returned from dunking my pee bucket. I currently don’t have any running water or plumbing in my house. I have an outhouse at the back of the garden. During the day I am totally ok with this. It is practical when I am working in the garden because I don’t have to walk back to the house to go to the loo. And you don’t want to pee on your sowing beds. I have been here a full year now and am totally ok with an outdoor toilet, even when it is -15. I don’t know if the two are related but I haven’t had a single cold or bout of flu this year. Not even as much as sneeze (well that’s not entirely true; I do sneeze when it is time to hoover because stella has been generously spreading her fur around).

I get my drinking water from a nearby well. If I can’t go there, because it has frozen over or because there are too many bears about, I go to my neighbours. Water to do dishes with I get from the stream next to my house. I need a new system for this. At the moment I am filling up plastic bottles which I want to replace with metal containers. I am also saving up for a water filter (is anyone else confused about the brands Berkey and Berkefield?). I wash myself with water that I warm up in an enamel bowl on the wood burner. When I want to wash my hair I have a shower at the neighbours, or I go to the salt baths in Tusnad. When I no longer make a fire in the house, I wash myself in the stream. This year I want to stretch out the outdoor bathing season, Wim Hof style.

I collect wood from the forest. Don’t worry, and don’t call the police. We only take medium size branches that are on the ground. We do not cut down trees or break branches of. Most of what we take is found right next to the dirt road and was left behind by the loggers. It fell off the trailer or the branches get caught behind the trees standing next to the road when the tractor drags the cut down trees out of the woods to cut them up.

When the loggers first came late last autumn, I initially felt a bit desperate. The barking dogs were keeping me up at night, turning me into a human zombie hybrid. Now I had to work to the soundtrack of giant splitters and chainsaws.

Today I had wanted to try out my new chainsaw. Well, it is not exactly new. I bought it last year. Three days later I dropped a giant log on my hand. Unfortunately, it landed right where there was a rock in the earth, trapping and smashing my fingers in between. This earned me a trip to the hospital where I found out after three X-rays that two of my fingers were broken and I was treated to stitches without anaesthesia. Handling a chainsaw was not exactly top of my bucket list after this. But as I really need to cut the wood I gathered and start stacking it for next winter, and there is nobody else to rely on, I have to find a way to do it.  I cut a lot of small branches by hand and chopped kindling all through the winter, but it is too slow. And there is too much to do.

The garden. A while back I went through a lot of turmoil, having to bury two of my precious pets. More on this next week, but for now it suffices to say that it made me want to leave. I put my house up for sale. I talked it through with a friend. I decided to stay. For now. I am not making any long-term plans or decisions. In that sense it is ok that I don’t have any budget for shrubs and trees and there is no money to continue with the renovation of the house. Big decisions can be happily delayed due to lack of funds. Ironically not having any money is buying me time to figure things out.

I may not get to do any permanent planting this season, I do have copious amounts of seeds. Literally boxes full. The past two weeks I have been working on ground prep -removing weeds and rocks- and building a few raised beds from scrap wood and wood left over from the ceiling renovation. I now need to fill them up, which brings me back to the wood loggers. All the saw dust has turned into beautiful mulch, which means endless trips with the wheelbarrow.

A “simple” life is not necessarily an easy life. I am not on the outskirts in Alaska, it is not that extreme, but it does ask a lot, physically and mentally. I enjoy being active in a practical sense. I don’t like sports. I hike because I soak up the glorious vibes of nature, because I am collecting wood or foraging mushrooms. I process the wood because it keeps me warm (and clean and fed). I garden and dig my hands in the earth because it feeds me. Not only through produce, but through the touch of the soil. I take breaks sitting in lotus position anywhere my bum lands at the moment my body says: stop.

Stuff also complicates things. I have a lot of it. Too much. A few years ago I started a label called AER LIBER. When I couldn’t make the numbers work I put it on hold and put all my machines and materials in storage. Transylvania has beautiful textile traditions working with natural materials like linen, hemp and wool. It is one of the things I love about this place. Zalanpatak seemed the perfect place to revive it. I could convert the barn into an atelier. I could make my off grid dream a reality, as there is ample water and solar energy here. I could finally put the vision of Vlad Sadici in place here. Not knowing if I will stay here long enough to make that commitment and make that investment worth it, I am staring at boxes and crates and bags wondering what to keep and what to get rid of. I am tired of “carrying this load”. Unused matter stagnates the energy in a place (Feng shui).

Everything is up in the air again. Living in Romania often feels like being in a dysfunctional relationship. I don’t know. Not knowing what I want, where I want to be or what I want to do is not something I am comfortable with. Most of my life I have known exactly what I wanted and made it happen. The few times that I didn’t I quickly landed on my feet again, because of beautify little synchronicities and unexpected leads. Waiting for these to manifest leaves me living in limbo. And I know only one way to tackle this: write (and at least donate the stuff I know I definitely don’t need to hold onto).

Off to scoop some dog poop. Have a great week!